


Pushing Your Way Through (i need you)

by MagicLia16



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is going to come back, Dean Winchester is Not Homophobic, Dean misses Cas, Episode AU: s15e18 Despair, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, What seriously NEEDS to happen, death does not stop true love!, don't tell me otherwise, i needed to do this, sad!dean, worried!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicLia16/pseuds/MagicLia16
Summary: Cas is gone, and Dean doesn't know how to deal.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 90





	Pushing Your Way Through (i need you)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 2am after more than three hours of crying on Tumblr bc of this FREAKING EPISODE. Earlier today I had an easy time just enjoying the giddy feeling of Destiel being canon, and then I remember the circumstances and it's like getting hit with a boulder repeatedly. Sooooo out came this.  
> I seriously don't think I've ever written anything as fast as I wrote this. It's not my best, but it hit me in the feels and I just want to get it out there to share the deep and immense pain I'm in from this dang episode.  
> Ok. Enough rambling. Get reading.

He sits there, on the hard floor, for what feels like hours and minutes at the same time. 

His mind is reeling, unable to take anything in. Cas… Cas loved him. And now he’s gone for good. Taken by the Empty. He can’t wrap his head around it. All of a sudden. Love. and death. And for what? Dean isn’t worth loving. All he does, all he’s ever done, is get people hurt. 

Dean can’t even move. The only thing his body allows him to do is to curl up and cry, to wish that he could die and be with Cas, but now even in death they can no longer be together. 

As long as he’s known Cas, they’ve had a connection. Cas pulled him out of Hell. They share - shared - a profound bond. Whenever he needed him, Cas was there, to lift him up, to help him remember that he was allowed to be loved. Love. Cas loved him. Cas told him he loved him. 

And Dean didn’t have a chance to say it back.

And he never would. 

~~~

He doesn't know how long he sits there, crying. All he knows is that he hears his phone ring and is pulled out of whatever thoughts he’d spiraled into. It’s Sam. Dean automatically looks around the room for his… for Cas. The moment he realizes what he’s done and feels deep in his bones the emptiness of the room, he’s reliving that moment all over again. 

“I love you.”

The wave of sorrow and despair wash over him once more, and Dean can’t take it... the pain. He drops his phone on the ground and curls up again. 

~~~ 

Dean doesn’t realize that he fell asleep until he finds himself curled in a ball on the floor, awoken for a reason that he doesn’t know. Until he hears it again. His name. It’s Sam. Sam. Sam’s been calling him. Sam doesn’t know. What is he going to tell Sam? And Jack? 

He can’t summon the energy to call out, too tired from endless tears. Eventually, he hears the door to the file room break open and his brother is rushing in. Dean can feel the relief radiating off Sam as he’s checked over for any injury or sign of hurt. 

Dean knows when Sam sees it; his face. He knows it must be red rimmed and swollen by now, but he can’t bring himself to care. He can see the question in his brother’s eyes, but Dean is too tired to say anything at all. Against his will, Dean finds himself drifting off into another bout of slumber. 

~~~

When he wakes up, he’s in his own bed. It feels wrong. He’s comfortable, warm, when Cas will never be again. He turns his head and sees Jack sitting on the chair next to his bed, right where Cas used to sit, watching over him as he slept, no matter how many times Dean told him not to do it and that it was creepy. 

It hit him all over again. 

Cas.

Loved. 

Him. 

Cas.

Is.

Dead. 

In his life, death isn’t always forever, but this time he knows it’s for good. He collapses into his too-soft pillows as the pain rises once again. At some point Jack leaves the room and Sam takes his place. It doesn’t feel right. Sam is his little brother. Dean should be the one taking care of _him._

And Dean… Dean has gotten used to being taken care of by Cas. And now that will never happen again. 

~~~

It takes Dean three days to eat, another two to feel like he can move around without breaking down. Sam is so open about being there for him if he needs to talk. Dean can tell that the worry is eating him alive, both not knowing how Dean is or what happened to Castiel, but Dean can’t bring himself to talk about it. It’s too painful; too raw. 

Once Dean is Lucid enough, he realizes something is very, _very_ wrong. There’s no one around. No one. It’s just Sam and Dean and Jack. No people, no monsters, no nothing. Just them. 

It’s right then that Dean knows that something serious is about to go on, and they need to prepare. The only way they’re going to win against God and Amara is to find them. Everyone. That includes Cas. 

Dean has one thought in his mind as he laces up his boots, puts on his leather jacket, and tucks a gun into the waistband of his jeans: he’s going to find that feathered ass SOB and tell him just how much he means to him if it’s the last thing he ever does. 

He has no idea if he’s going to succeed, but he knows he has to try. 

For the good of creation, and for Cas, the most stupidly amazing Angel he’s ever met. 

Here he goes. 


End file.
